Regrets
by kayura sanada
Summary: One-Shot. Duo makes a decision that forces the other Gundam pilots to reconsider their own. Eventual 1x2 and 3x4. NOT A DEATHFIC.


Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

* * *

Regrets

* * *

**Duo's POV**

**-  
**

It was too late.

Regrets were stupid. Regrets were useless no matter what, but this time... this time, regrets would do nothing more than make me have a horrible last minute. Minutes? However long it took...

I leaned my head back. Such a fluffy pillow. Funny how the tiny things were making themselves known now. Quatre's smile. Heero's-

No. No more on that.

It wasn't because of him. I wouldn't lay this on his door. He'd chosen Trowa, and I couldn't hate him for it. He was... happy. His eyes lit when Trowa entered the room. That joy... I could never hate that.

No. I hated myself... for not being able to put it there. And worse... for never getting over him.

I'd placed a note on the door, warning them to just call the police. No point in calling the hospital. _Call the police, and don't open the door. Leave the house._ That's what it said.

A suicide note? Maybe that was a good idea... but my arms wouldn't move anymore.

Poor Quatre. He was in the same boat... but no, that wasn't quite true. Quatre had found... what was his name? Hell, I couldn't remember. And Wufei, of course. With Zechs. I almost smiled. What an unlikely pair.

Nope. This was on me... Heero-

I winced at the thought of his name.

The poison was soothing. A careful concoction, one I'd mastered though I'd never had a use for it in the war. Stupid, huh? That I was now using it for the first time, during peace. When everyone around me was happy.

Well, I'd lived through the battles for them. The least they could do was let me... let me take away my own pain. This was what I wanted. What I'd dreamed of.

Then I heard the car.

Shit.

I stumbled up from my bed, sweat immediately breaking across my skin. Shit, shit, shit. They couldn't... not yet.

The door opened, and I could hear them laughing. They must have brought some of the pizza back with them, because I heard the sound of cardboard being placed on a surface.

"Hey, Duo! You okay? We brought some pizza back!" Quatre called.

I struggled to the door, making sure it was locked. It was. "No thanks," I called. My voice was hoarse, unsteady. Dry, cracked, weak. I hoped it would help the 'sick' theory. I prayed they wouldn't come to see the door. They all had the ability to bust it down. Shit. They came back early. What the hell happened to the movie they were planning to attend? Stupid bastards.

I dragged myself back, leaning weakly against the wall. Shit.

"Duo?"

Shit! Quatre's voice was getting closer.

I rushed to the door, unlocking it and snatching the note, crumpling it in my hand. Quatre entered my view from the top of the stairs and immediately looked at me. I knew I had to look a mess – hair askew, face ashen, cheeks red. Sweat waxed from every pore. My hands were shaking almost as bad as my knees. Only a few minutes more, and I would have been unconscious. Maybe it was good they came now. If they thought I was sleeping...

But... the _guilt_... as they belatedly realized what I'd done, that it had happened right under their noses. Despite myself, I felt regret and pain lance through me. I would hurt them.

Was it so very selfish... to want to die?

"Quatre," I gasped.

"Duo!" Quatre raced across the short hallway. He propped me against him, his eyes stained with concern. He turned to the stairs. "Someone help!"

The laughter died immediately. Footsteps raced up. I think I groaned.

"Hold on, Duo," Quatre said tightly.

"No," I whispered. Even if I wanted to... I didn't think I could.

"Duo, I mean it! Hold on!"

"Quatre! What's wrong?" Wufei's voice was the first. I could smell him as he came closer. The scent of almonds. It was only then that I realized that my eyes had closed. I hadn't told them to. "Duo!"

"Help me carry him downstairs," Quatre ordered. His voice was strained. "Something's wrong."

Wordlessly Wufei helped lift me. I couldn't control my body any longer. If I was alone, I would be reveling in the darkness. Now it only scared me.

"Duo?" Heero's voice was tight. I felt the pain rip through me, as always. His fear was for a friend, the same concern that Wufei and Quatre showed. Trowa, I heard, gasped.

"Quatre, what's going on?"

"I don't know," Quatre grunted. I felt more hands, then a softness. Cushions? Couch? Couch.

"Duo? Duo, can you hear me?"

Heero's voice again. I winced.

"Duo? What's wrong?"

I wouldn't tell them, even if I could. The darkness shifted in closer. I welcomed it, even as those around me grew panicked.

"Duo, answer us!" Wufei shouted.

I couldn't. My lips were numb.

"Something's wrong," Quatre whispered again. I felt some sort of bodily warmth around me, then a steady inhale. The body stiffened. "Heero." Quatre's voice was breathy and suddenly very, very afraid.

He smelled the poison.

Heero's warmth enveloped me. The pain wrapped around me tighter, choking me. I couldn't breathe.

"Poison," he whispered.

There was a collective gasp.

Quatre's hands were on me then. "Duo! Duo, don't you dare do this to us!"

Tears. Even now I could hear them. I felt like I ought to apologize.

"The ambulance is on its way." Zechs' voice. It was grim. He knew it would be too late.

"No!" Quatre sobbed. "Marcus..."

Ah, yes. That was the name. Some guy from Trowa's circus.

"Duo!"

Heero's voice, deep with panic.

Pain.

I slipped into the darkness, my whole being in absolute agony. This would be no restful sleep.

* * *

**Heero's POV**

**-  
**

It was too bright.

We were all in the waiting room, every last one of us. We couldn't help but band together. Even Zechs had come, though he'd always been obviously uncomfortable being near his old enemies. Trowa was off getting us coffee. Quatre and Marcus were in the corner, talking in low tones. I couldn't be bothered to read their lips.

It was so surreal. We'd gone to Duo's to ask him to join us for dinner and a movie, but he'd complained of being ill and bowed out. He'd sounded like his same old self, joking that pizza with snot on it wouldn't be appetizing. We'd promised to bring him back his share, but he said not to bother.

Now I knew why.

We'd had fun, laughing over Trowa's story about the clean-up boy who'd tripped over the elephant's waste. Quatre and Marcus had shared a short story about a kid in the grocery store they'd gone to. And then we'd gone to watch an action thriller and returned to Duo's, complaining about the inability for anyone to survive jumping from a crashing airplane just before it exploded. (1)

And now this.

Duo was still in surgery. The doctors were trying to detox him as fast as possible, but... Zechs' assumption may have been off, but Duo was only alive because he'd been trained, like the rest of us, to withstand poisons.

Trowa returned, handing me a cup before moving around the room, handing one to Quatre and Marcus, asking Wufei and Zechs if they wanted one now, and at their declines, came and sat down beside me. I kissed him on the lips, one quick peck, and carefully sipped my coffee. It was the exact taste of any clichéd hospital swill.

"Are you all right?" he asked me, and it seemed such a stupid question I laughed.

"Why?" I asked, knowing there was no answer. The others quietened, though, and turned to me. Apparently my rhetorical question opened the doors for an outright discussion.

"It isn't like Maxwell," Wufei murmured, taking the lead in the conversation.

"No," Quatre agreed. "He always bounces back from anything. Like he's invincible." Quatre winced at that, and Marcus put an arm around him. Quatre didn't lean into it; instead, it almost seemed as if his eyes had sought out... Trowa?

"But he's not." Zechs leaned back in his chair. "Wasn't he the one always getting caught?"

I instantly jumped to Duo's defense. "He was reckless, but he got caught so much because he was kind."

"Are you saying that's not a vulnerability?" Zechs countered smoothly. My spine stiffened. "Even during times of peace, too much kindness can only hurt."

I almost stood, ready to punch the man, but Trowa put a hand on my shoulder and turned to Quatre. I sat back down, but I couldn't stop my fists from clenching.

"I disagree," Quatre said. "Kindness was never something that would weaken Duo. I think one of Duo's strengths is his kindness."

"I agree," Trowa said, and even Wufei nodded.

"So what?" Zechs started again after a few moments of silence. "Why did he poison himself?"

We were all quiet at that. We had no answer.

"I think..." Quatre bit his lip, then shook his head. I only then noticed that my coffee was no longer in my hands and looked down. Beside the innocuous hospital magazines sat my coffee. I sent a grateful half-smile to Trowa, who only shrugged. His eyes were on Quatre, on the hesitation in the blond's gaze. It was focused on me.

"Quatre? What is it?" Marcus leaned down to look into Quatre's eyes. I noted Quatre's slight shifting and frowned. It was something I couldn't help but see – Quatre's unwillingness to be near Marcus. It was confusing; the two were a close couple, but Quatre refused to move in with Marcus and constantly kept distance between them.

"I... can't..."

"Winner, any promises you made are fairly null and void now," Wufei prompted, leaning toward the corporate owner. "Maxwell may die."

Quatre flinched, but he shook his head again. "I can't," he said, more firmly this time. "Duo would never forgive me." Quatre stood. "Marcus? Can we... talk?"

Marcus stood, as well, utterly confused. He ran a hand through his long, sandy hair and looked around at the rest of us. He nodded. "Okay."

I watched them leave, upset. Trowa looked about ready to go after them. "Trowa?" My eyes watched him carefully. He was antsy. Almost fidgeting. Trowa never fidgeted.

I stood, needing to move. "I'll get snacks," I mumbled. "Anyone hungry?"

Everyone else declined, unwilling to eat with the thought of the danger Duo's life was in. I walked down the hall, smelling the sick and the disinfectant and wondered why it felt like everything was breaking apart.

"I'm sorry."

My head snapped to the side. It was Quatre's voice, sad, trembling. I considered the morality for a few seconds, but inevitably curiosity won and I slid over to the side of the hall and listened in.

"No." Marcus this time. They both seemed to be in the bathroom. "I knew it. I couldn't help but see."

"I'm sorry," Quatre repeated. "I thought I could get over it. I thought, with time..."

"It doesn't work that way." Marcus seemed bitter.

"It's like I used you, and I feel... I can't apologize enough. But seeing what happened to Duo-"

"You mean what he did to himself."

I tensed, immediately pissed with Marcus' words, but Quatre's voice was perfectly calm when he responded. "Yes. Because I feel somewhat responsible. I jumped into a relationship, hoping it would help me move on. But in doing so, I left Duo alone to deal with his own tragedy without anyone to help."

"So now you want to break up with me? When it's too late?"

"It's never too late." Quatre's voice was firm. "Duo will live. I believe in him. He'll feel so guilty about what happened tonight that he'll need to come back and apologize to us."

It almost made me laugh; it sounded so much like Duo that it was hard to believe that we were talking about someone in surgery for poisoning.

"But yes, that's why I need to break up with you. I need to take responsibility for all this."

"Why did you choose him?" Marcus asked. The bitterness was turning to anger.

I saw Trowa then, walking up to me, a questioning look on his face. I put a finger to my lips and turned my gaze back to the bathroom.

"I didn't. It just... happened."

"Right, right, sorry. I forgot; you're a die-hard romantic."

Trowa came up beside me and sent me a different look then – one that asked if we needed to intervene. I held up my hand in a 'wait' signal.

"Marcus, you have every right to be upset and furious. That's fine. And I know I didn't really choose the best time and setting. But right now we're in the middle of a crisis-"

"You've been in a crisis for years! Your whole damn Gundam family!" Marcus cursed. There was a sharp metallic clang that let us know that a stall door had just been unnecessarily abused. "You and Duo both have been in a crisis for – oh, how long has it been since they got together?"

"Two years," Quatre murmured, his voice almost too low to hear. "But that's not the point now, Marcus."

"Are you ever going to tell him?" Marcus demanded. "Will you keep playing the martyr forever?"

"I understand you're mad, Marcus, but-"

"You're damn right I'm mad! You're choosing to go the same route as Duo! Do you think I can forgive that? Will you keep playing the game, just like Duo did? Until you snap? Until you can't stand the thought of smiling at them one more time?"

Trowa and I stared at each other, eyes wide. Couldn't stand smiling at them anymore? What was Marcus talking about?

"No, that won't happen," Quatre promised.

"Won't it? Did you ever think this would happen to Duo?"

Quatre was silent then, and Trowa and I looked at each other again. What was this? Marcus knew why Duo had done this to himself, too? Who was 'them'?

"No," Quatre answered finally, and Trowa and I focused once more on the argument. "I didn't see Duo doing this. But that's why I need to do what I'm doing."

"What, so you can suffer together? So you can both slowly fall, until you're _both_ in that damn surgery room?"

"No. That won't happen."

"Dammit, how do you _know_ that?" Marcus cursed again, louder this time. "Dammit, Quatre, I care about you. I really do. I don't want to watch this."

"...Then don't."

I heard the tell-tale sounds of an exit, and I dodged away from the door. Trowa did the same in the same instant, and we walked calmly over to the snack machines. We reached them just as the bathroom door opened and Marcus stepped out. We looked up, but neither Trowa nor I had the ability to say anything. The glare Marcus shot at the both of us was enough to stop the words in out throats.

* * *

Quatre had been right.

Duo made it out of surgery, alive and on the mend. The doctor warned us that it would be a long process, but we were so damn glad he was alive that we simply didn't care.

We were allowed to visit, no more than two at a time. Quatre went first, asking to be left alone with him, and we allowed it, knowing it had to have something to do with their secret. More, it gave us time to fill Wufei and Zechs in on what we'd overheard.

Wufei gave us a very careful look. "Yuy, you told me everything verbatim?"

I nodded. "Yes, that's right."

"Then Marcus truly said that we Gundam pilots have been in a crisis for two years?"

Trowa was the one to verify this time. "That's right. Though that's not exactly how he said it, that's how it adds up."

Zechs leaned forward, suddenly interested in our conversation. "Two years ago. The four of us became individual couples then."

"In other words..." Wufei said, his eyes slightly wide in horror.

"Quatre is in love with one of us," Trowa finished, looking both surprised and grim.

I flinched. "And so is Duo."

"But who?" Zechs mused, pulling back again and searching the ceiling for answers. The bastard looked only vaguely curious. "I can't believe I'm the one Duo Maxwell loves. He has to hold back his glare every time he sees me."

"Maxwell is the nicest person on the planet save for Winner," Wufei scoffed. "I have seen him laugh with you."

"Yes, love. But he still glares at me. He ripped me one once for having placed you all in danger. And for attempting to destroy the world."

This was news to me. "Really? _Duo_ yelled at you?"

Zechs gave the ceiling that half-smile of his. "Yes. It was quite enlightening."

"Did it give you any clues?"

But Zechs shook his head. "No. Only that he was kind-hearted, as you say. He asked that I not tell Wufei that he yelled. He said he didn't want Wufei to become upset over his opinion." He frowned. "Maybe that _was_ a clue?"

"Not necessarily," Trowa argued softly, looking at me. I had to nod; Duo would say that for any of us. If I'd chosen to date Zechs, Duo would have done the exact same.

"This is... difficult," Wufei said finally. "I never suspected any of this. I mean, I saw that there was no deep connection between Winner and Killigrew, but I never suspected..."

"Same," I admitted.

"It makes me feel like I've let him down," Wufei murmured.

"Hardly," Zechs scoffed. "You can't be blamed for not seeing what wasn't meant to be seen."

"We're Gundam pilots," Trowa said. "We're supposed to see the invisible."

Zechs had nothing to say to that.

* * *

Duo was still unconscious, and we'd stayed far past our limits. We were forced to leave the hospital and wait for morning. Trowa and I sat in the bed, unable somehow to touch one another. I, at least, didn't feel comfortable touching him, knowing Duo might love him. I thought he may be having a similar problem, but then he spoke.

"You know, back at the start of the war – or at least, the start of our intervention – Quatre and I met and... we shared a moment." He put a hand to his forehead, brushed away his bangs. I recognized the action as one of anxiety. "He played the violin, and I played the flute. And even though it's normal for musicians to play a piece in synchronization, he and I... we matched perfectly."

I shifted in the bed, making it creak. It made me uncomfortable, thinking of the two of them like that. I never learned how to play an instrument, and it made me feel... odd... to listen to Trowa's playing. Both happy and sad all at once. "Duo... saved me. Well, he shot me." I grinned a bit as Trowa shot me a dubious look. "But then he entered the facility and rescued me."

"And you had a... moment?"

I thought back to when Duo kept bugging me, his jokes and wisecracks and sarcasm. His grin. "Yeah."

Trowa covered his eyes. "Do you think...?"

It was too painful to think about. "You mean, that Duo and Quatre loved...?"

Trowa stood up from the bed and downright flipped the bangs from his face. "You know, I had once thought that Quatre was... cute." He gusted out a guilty sigh. "But then I saw you, how strong you were, how beautiful... and I chose you."

"Same. You were so balanced and sure. You got me back on my feet after I fell. I..." I found that I had to stand, too. The bed seemed like evidence of our guilt. "I chose you. Without thought to the consequences."

Trowa turned on me. "You had sex-?"

"No," I argued immediately. "Of course not. You were the first." I blushed, always embarrassed by that. "But I must admit that I... was enamored by his charm."

Trowa chuckled dryly. "'Enamored'?"

We were both silent, searching through this latest discovery. "We didn't choose wrong," Trowa said. But I could hear doubt.

"I've loved my time with you," I ventured, careful. "I've loved _you_."

"Same," he whispered.

We went around the bed, coming fluidly into each other's arms, so used to the action over the years that it seemed natural. And yet... it felt almost wrong. Neither of us leaned in to kiss.

"Why does it seem wrong?" I asked. My eyes searched his.

"Because a friend of ours almost died for it." His eyes were dark. "I never looked back after choosing you. I thought..."

"Friends," I finished for him, closing my eyes and leaning my head under his. "He was just a friend." But I was talking about Duo.

"I never thought it would become more. He was dear to me, but-"

"But you were dearer," I finished again.

"Yes."

"So... where does that leave us?"

Silence. Neither of us knew the answer to that.

* * *

We arrived slightly before visiting hours, using our Preventor badges to gain the access. Going through the disinfected walls, we passed two night nurses heading for the door, another finishing his rounds. A kid was crying somewhere down the opposite hall.

Duo's door was open, a sign that he was still in bad shape. We entered with our hands linked.

Duo was awake, just barely lucid. His eyes slid to us, then closed. A look of pain crossed his features, open for us to see for once, and I knew we'd come to the right conclusion.

"Duo."

He flinched.

I winced in reaction, shamed that I had missed this. How had I not known that he loved me? How, during all these years, had I missed it?

"Are you all right?" Trowa asked, getting down to the most important thing at the moment. Dear, steady Trowa.

"...Yes."

Trowa unlinked our hands in order to grab two chairs from the corner and drag them over to the side of Duo's bed. I sat in the one closest to Duo's face, needing to be as near to him as possible. "Duo... we know."

He flinched harder, so badly he winced in pain. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I never wanted you to..."

"And we know about Quatre," Trowa finished.

Duo's eyes widened. "Did I say anything? I didn't think I-"

"No," I soothed quickly, concerned with the spike in the heart monitor. "We found out on our own."

He still seemed to believe it was his fault. After all, he was the catalyst. Or maybe... our ignorance had been?

"Duo, we wanted to talk to you about this."

He shook his head, though he looked like he regretted the action. "No," he managed. "I know you love each other. I... I don't mind that."

We really hadn't gone in with a plan, but Duo's words stopped us rather cold. "Then what?" I asked. "If us being together isn't-"

But Duo smiled at me. A wide, tired grin. "Stupid. You're happy, so that's good. It's just... I can't be happy with that. You know?"

I felt a pain pulling at my chest, one so foreign it stole my breath. What was this feeling? This horrible guilt? Like I'd forced the poison down my best friend's throat myself. "Duo. I'm so-"

Trowa grabbed my hand, squeezed. "But to kill yourself, Duo? Did you really think that would... wouldn't hurt us?"

Guilt flashed through those wide eyes of his, guilt so wide I felt the backlash of it. What Trowa'd said was right; we would be devastated to lose him. He was the life of the group. The energy and enthusiasm. But I couldn't imagine the pain of watching the person you loved love someone else day after day. To see the bond grow until it seemed they'd been born for each other. My mind flashed images of Trowa and me, images of us kissing at the movies, of me leaning in and rubbing barbecue sauce off of Trowa's cheek. How it must have tortured Duo to see us like that.

"I'm sorry," Duo said, looking close to tears. "I don't want this to come between either of you."

"How couldn't it?" I murmured, and Duo flinched away from me, literally scooting over in the hospital bed. Trowa and I both watched the IV with careful eyes. "Duo, we never knew. I always thought of you as my closest friend-"

"I know. I don't want that to change."

Better something than nothing? Just the thought of it brought that foreign pain just under the surface of my control.

"Duo. Heero and I have decided something."

I looked at him, hardly concealing my surprise. He and I had spent the whole damn night thinking about what to do, and we'd come up with absolutely nothing.

"We are going to break up. And for a month, we will date you and Quatre respectively."

My eyes widened in disbelief. Break up? Something in me cried out in denial. But I couldn't argue it. Another part of me... wanted it? Needed it? This needed to be resolved.

Duo sat bold upright in the bed. "No!" He cried out, but he locked his elbows and kept himself up. "Absolutely not! I won't – there's now way I could... could...!"

"If you don't, we will never get back together."

It took a good amount of control not to drop my jaw, but I understood why he said it in the next instant. Duo dropped his head, hunched his shoulders, and... "all right."

"I'll do it."

We all turned to the door. Quatre stood there, one hand gripping the jamb hard enough to turn his knuckles white.

"I'll do it," he repeated, stepping inside. "I'll fight for you, Trowa."

Trowa stared at Quatre with eyes wide. But when I turned to look at Duo, his head was hung in shame.

* * *

_One Month Later_

_-  
_

"Come on, we're supposed to be grabbing pizza with the guys rightnow," I called.

"Coming," Duo called, his voice almost impossible to hear from up the stairs. His volume had dropped more and more over the past month, his eyes almost never meeting mine. One would think I couldn't wait for the night to be over, for the dinner to be finished so that I could return to Trowa. And a part of me still did.

But somehow... not all of me.

He was quiet, almost meek with me these days. But there were flashes of him, smiles, chuckles. More... just the thought that he'd agonized over this the entire month somehow endeared him to me. He was taking so much onto his shoulders. Almost as if proving he loved me enough to want me to leave him.

He came down the stairs, quickly but quietly. He didn't look me into the eyes when he asked, "is this okay?"

I didn't bother trying to kiss him, or even to grab his hand. He scooted away from any attempt of it, as if he was a curse. So I only grinned at him and said, "of course." And I led him to the car.

It only took eight minutes to reach the pizza place, and the four were waiting for us in front of the building.

Wufei didn't even wait for me to turn off the engine before banging on the window. "Did you forget?" he called. I could tell he'd censored the first few insults; we'd all become careful around Duo, knowing anything said would be taken seriously.

I flipped him the bird and got out.

Duo beat me to the other side, opening his door and stepping out on his own, his eyes carefully on the ground. I had no idea why it made my heart swell. Usually a meek Duo would annoy me even more than the boisterous one. Yet I couldn't help wanting to grab his hand, to pull him to me, to kiss him. I wanted to assure him of how much I cared for him, of how I'd... of how, after just one month of giving him my undivided attention, I'd found so much more to him than I'd seen before.

Trowa had an arm around Quatre, both leaning into one another. Our eyes met, and without a word we smiled at each other. Boldly, I went up and pecked him quickly on the lips. "It's a nice night, huh?"

Those emerald eyes smiled down at me. "Yeah. Almost a full moon."

"Werewolf," I joked.

"Realist," he shot back.

We walked in, Trowa never letting go of Quatre, me returning easily to Duo's side.

Quatre had done as he'd promised and fought tooth and nail for Trowa. He'd practically taken a sabbatical from his job as leader of the Winner Foundation, desperate to be with Trowa as much as possible. And somehow, through grit and determination and sweet Quatre-ness, Trowa's patient demeanor had become... desperate. And then content. Though we'd found strength and companionship with one another, both of which I fully believed would have kept us together for the rest of our lives, we found something more in the two we'd left behind. Something we felt needed to be protected.

Wufei started off the conversation with an anecdote about Noin and Zechs, and we entered the building laughing. A careful look at Duo showed me that little smile of his. Unwilling to wait, I snapped my hand out and grabbed Duo's. Though he instinctively pulled away, I held on like a viper and this time didn't let him get away. At his shocked look, I grinned a little smugly.

"No more running away," I ordered.

And at his confusedly hopeful look, I bent down and kissed him full on the lips. The cheers from Trowa and Quatre earned them a middle finger, too.

* * *

A/N: Yeah, I couldn't stand the ending of this anymore. Hope it's better now! ^_^


End file.
